Trust

An indulgent traffic at my right, a phone booth, also to my right – somehow when I remember the exact moment of my vow to become the consummate and masterful parent, those two images come attached to the memory. I guess I was standing right there during an idle or vehement walk, every step a “fuck you” to the Universe. A mystifying feeling also accompanies this memory… at first there is the usual thought, “you’re not that special, so what is the point of all this passionate dreaming?” and the second is strangeness itself – a kiss hidden carefully in the viscera of my psyche, innermost and transient core, translated only as “I am here.” Recalling it now, my eyes flame with realisation – ah, my passion and my vigor exist because Dragon exists. Let’s try to paint this picture.

There is no duality between the teacher and the student – if there was, it would scarcely ruse understanding or knowledge. There is no need to seek out a teacher. When the wise pronounce with blazon retribution that you need no master to adorn you with intelligence, they are right. And when the unkempt heart yearns for a muse, it is also correct. How could this be so? Figure it out.

Some people are going to read this with so much doubt, that the only thing they will identify with, are the doubts. Oh well. Shit happens.

“To one who is holding a hammer, everything begins to resemble a nail.” – Abraham Maslow.

Sometimes, things aren’t exactly like how you always imagined… they’re even better.

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

– Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 .

The doors are closed. The doors are fucking closed.

Maslow says there are two processes necessary for self-actualization: self exploration and action. The deeper the self exploration, the closer one comes to self-actualization.

An incessant chant in subdued elation pleads to the Universe, “Let me do my thing…. Let me do my thing.”

“It seemed very rational to keep on crawling, if you didn’t think it was going to do any good.” – Touching the Void.

This is a peak experience. It’s why I keep going, even when every attempt I make to extol my potential upon the world is flung back at me in reverent and incapacitated force. I definitely don’t feel like scribing this concussive paradigm. Right now, I don’t want enlightenment. I merely want the freedom to fucking live. Just live. Without feeling like I need to prove something to fuckers. And the anger I have at Dragon right now is astounding… “let me be,” I keep chanting. His energy is frustrating, intensely obtuse and akin to a multitude of germs squabbling over my skin. Yet, even now I wonder, is this even him? What is this I am feeling? To whom does it belong?

My folks look at me, and all they see is failure. They see someone doing something with his life which they cannot understand. It looks to them as if I am doing nothing, and under the gaze of that intruding cyclonic agony I doubt I can think clearly at all. Often I begin to believe that gaze, and herald a fit of despair. There’s two sides to this. Two years ago, as I was making arrangements to live in independence, Dragon advised me that I am only leaving to escape my father’s pain. I didn’t heed him, I left, and it didn’t help. Six months later I moved back home, a pensive resolution that I will come to terms with his pain and make amends… perhaps this was my final chance to vouchsafe a peace in the family.

That didn’t work. As Dragon put it, my father still seeks material peace of mind, and he won’t attain it until he sees me successful in life. I couldn’t convince myself to study medicine, my heart wasn’t in it. I especially couldn’t resolve to devote my life in order to give material peace to someone, it wasn’t so engrossing a goal, devoting myself to the pleasure and impression of another, father or not. I’d consistently interjected when I was attempting to impress – there was an undeniable falseness lacerating such a goal. Well, this was my logic, in any case.

If I have given up on everything else, I still write this journal, it is my own testament, my sole and mute acquiescence. As this Quest began, and the appallingly insane rantings of my father kept me in ordeal, unable to see the easiness of the Quest, Dragon advised me this time to move out. And this time I didn’t listen because I was still fixated on facing my father’s pain. Again my logic dominated my actions, and though I could reason that the situation must have changed in discrete parameter, I could hardly put this savage desire for retribution out of my mind.

In this folly, I remained at home, found this idea of ease incredulous and frail, and mustered an imaginative idiocy of breaththrough and triumph, of somehow reaching the outskirts of this turmoil whilst simultaneously transforming my relationship with my folks. I should have acknowledged with provincial closure that there is no spiritual realisation on my part that would make amends with the material desires of my dad. It has been in indomitable terms a great delay. Vanquished, I now make plans to leave home and to pursue this Quest in its entirety.

The doubt still remains, am I once again escaping his pain? The fury I have against Dragon for confusing me in this way blazons my loneliness. My momentum has been curbed, thwarted, an uproar of scorching inferno hushed raptly in the belly of this prowling mind. This time, though, the shackles are undone. Like the lion that remains in its chains, purely by habit, even when they have been wrapped open.

“Sometimes, the most real things in the world are the things we can’t see.” – Polar Express.

One thing about journeys… it doesn’t matter where you’re going. What matters is deciding to get on.

“I’m moving out of home.” I messaged Dragon. I know I had promised myself never to speak to him until I was ready to surrender completely to him, but the culmination of this sudden decision had repercussions which I simply needed to make sure… I needed to be sure it wasn’t the wrong choice.

“lol you want dragon yes?” Came the response.

“Yes.”

“I am afraid he is not here. May I take a message? He will be at the office in about an hour.”

“Just that I am moving out of home. Who is this by the way?”

“I am Ian his PA.”

“Wow cool.” I couldn’t help but grin. Dragon has a PA now? “Ok thanks.”

“So the message is Dianic Dreams is leaving home?”

“Tell him that after a year of trying to face my dad’s pain, I finally realised that just ain’t gonna work. I’m all confused staying here, so I’m moving out of home.”

“Do we need to fix you up with some place to live? We don’t have much right now.”

“No no. I’m in Australia. I just wanted him to know. That’s all.”

“OH your the mad student yes?”

I laughed. “The “mad’ student? Why do you call me mad?”

“Just repeating.”

“Mad? As in crazy? Or angry?”

“Well I think he said “Fucking Insane” but that wouldn’t be polite.”

I smiled. “Well, he’s right. Ok, thank you.”

“No Problems. I hope your move goes well. But remember, your father’s pain is his alone and the pain you feel being near him is your own. No matter what you do it will be there.”

“Yes, that’s what I thought.”

“Dragon taught me I cant run from pain. Only fight it head on.”

“But Dragon asked me to move out… months ago.” A year ago, actually. “That’s why I wanted to let him know… so that if it was a really stupid idea.. he could tell me.”

“He made me camp with him and do the stupidest of things.”

“Ya………” Memories surfaced. “And why did you?”

“I trust him.”

“Why?”

“It seemed a little enough price to run and jump off sand dunes and dive into freezing seas. I trust him now as I am at peace. I was a bit dubious at the time.”

“Erm… why did you become at peace?”

“Thats my secret, when it happened he told me to tell no one.”

“Wow ok.” Somehow, that made total sense. “Thanks.”

“I can tell you one thing though.”

“Yes?”

“Its pretty intense being ALL even if it was just for a few minutes. It changes you totally. In the greatest storm there is the smallest of eyes watching you.”

“Somehow you have learnt to surrender. How did Dragon convince you to face your pain headon?”

” I didn’t need convincing I needed to so did it. I thought he was the maddest person I ever met but carried on and got there somehow. He is not my teacher or guru, I need none of that crap he is just my friend who made me face my horror to see the clarity behind. It was cold journey but a bit of cold is ok.”

“It’s confusing me.”

“Yes I was confused too but just carried on. I figured I had nothing better to do.” The moment he said that… how true that is.

“It seemed very rational to keep on crawling, if you didn’t think it was going to do any good.” – Touching the Void.

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~ by revolutionwithin on March 27, 2009.

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